How can we protect ourselves from harmful relationships?
Reconnect our detectors. “In general, we are not educated to identify our own states of being,” notes Isabelle Nazare-Aga. Women, in particular, have learned to curb their anger so as not to pass for hysterics. The alarm signals may blink and for some time now, we have been obstinately ignoring them, caught in the flow of our daily constraints. “Now, it is a question of understanding that there is fire. It is urgent to trust our perceptions, to dare to judge that the situation is abnormal and to stop looking good. ”
To break up. Full of good will, we tend to seek conciliation. “Some of my patients are tempted to send a letter to the parent who has abused them, in the hopes of raising awareness or repentance. It's a waste of time, “says Isabelle Nazare-Aga. Because fundamentally toxic people have no consciousness of being and will not change. “We can put the facts before them, they handle denial like a weapon,” adds Dominique Barbier. The boomerang effect is frightening: “You fool around, my poor girl, anyway, you have always been difficult to satisfy. The only solution is therefore avoidance – the less I see you, the better I am – concealment – I hide from you what you could take to harm me – and, better, the break.
Rely on the entourage. In the professional context, separation is not necessarily possible. “But that is often a belief,” says Isabelle Nazare-Aga. In any case, it is about breaking out of the isolation in which this exclusive and overwhelming relationship has placed us. And to rely on those around him, both to defend himself and to rebuild himself through other emotional ties. “We went there together to list the facts and request the dismissal of our department head,” says Nathalie, 31. None of us had been heard individually. After the breakup, the toxic person can continue to harm. “Classically, the manipulating spouse claims sole custody of the child, even if he was not caring for it, and attacks the image of the mother,” warns Isabelle Nazare-Aga. Better to be warned and get ahead of the facts by asking those around you to testify in our favor.
How to avoid them in the future?
“When you have been a victim once, that you accept to listen to the little signs that do not deceive and to your intuition, we know how to spot the perverts, attests Dominique Barbier. Nevertheless, the help of a specialist is essential to plug the faults that have made the prey the aplice of the predator. “Certain cognitive schemas must be modified:” The belief that one must absolutely be loved, approved, valued by everyone, explains Isabelle Nazare-Aga. Or that you have to be deeplypetent and capable of achieving all of our goals to consider ourselves worthy. “As long as these patterns persist in us, we are not immune.